So I was skimming Novices & Newbies and somebody asked about jealousy as a newbie to the scene. They seemed to be operating from the assumption that it was inevitable that they and their partner would play with other people and wanted to know how to deal with jealousy around that. Here’s the thing: you do not have to play with other people. You really, truly don’t. You do not have to grit your teeth and tolerate your partner playing with other people either. Now, to be clear, play does not necessarily involve sex – you can play without even touching anyone’s butt, and that’s a very common targer for impact play. That still doesn’t mean you have to be okay with your partner playing [...]

It seems pretty common for dominant women not to have any interest in online play. Obviously I can’t speak for all women (and oh how I hate it when men ask questions as if women are a hive mind and one of us can speak for all of us), but here’s my take on it. First of all, by online play I’m talking about playing on cam where one person gives instructions and the other one carries them out and sexy chat, where the people playing describe what they would do to each other and how they would react. For me play is about personal connection, so my biggest stumbling block with online play is that it always seems to be strangers asking for [...]

It makes me sad to see people online wondering if they’re a good enough dom/sub/top/bottom/etc because they don’t want to perv as hard as they can as often as they can. It’s not that there’s anything wrong with going hard, it’s just not the only choice. Not all doms want to micromanage their subs. Not all doms want everything done for them. Not all doms want complete control of everything. Not all doms want to play really hard (sensual domination, it’s a thing). Not all doms want to play every chance they get. Not all doms like giving orders for the sake of giving orders. Not all doms like high-protocol d/s. You are a perfectly good top/dom/master/etc if you just want a light-hearted scene [...]

This post was originally posted last year, but when I wanted to do another one this year it turned out this one already said everything I wanted to say so I just reposted it. Supposedly Mother’s Day is a wonderful happy day when loving families get together to celebrate the mothers in their families. It doesn’t pan out that way for all of us. If your mother died and Mother’s Day is an agonizing reminder, I see you. If you are trying to become a mother but feel like a failure because your body isn’t cooperating, I see you. If god forbid your child died I see you. If you’re read as a woman but don’t identify as one and feel dysphoric or [...]

You know what’s funny? I just wrote half a blog post and realized I’ve actually already written another version of it when I went looking for a link. The first version of this post is “Women can get laid any time they want” and the quote I was looking for was: Virtually all heterosexual men are reliably orgasmic from penile-vaginal intercourse, while only about a quarter to a third of women are. Another third of women are sometimes orgasmic from penetration, and the remaining third of women are never or almost never orgasmic from penile-vaginal penetration. These results have been replicated over and over, in the lab and by self-report. That’s from Emily Nagoski‘s post about orgasm differences, and I think it does a [...]

I’ve been thinking about the advice to talk about what you bring to the table in a relationship in your profile and there seems to be a lot of confusion about what that actually means. It does not mean that you have to, say, learn how to repair stuff around the house or give manicures or clean gutters or make a really great lasagne in order to make up for your terrible submissive urges. It does not mean that being submissive isn’t inherently valuable. It doesn’t mean that dominant women don’t actually like submissive men and have to be bribed to put up with them (unless you’re one of those assholes who think dominant women exist to make your boner happy. If you’re one of those then [...]

As you might have noticed from earlier rants on the subject, it irritates the shit out of me when people decide they are so special that reality doesn’t apply to them. Today’s particular irritation: people who believe that they can give up the right to end their relationship. I want to be as clear as possible here: if you honestly believe that you can give up the right to leave your dom, you are delusional. I’m also sincerely scared for your safety because the kind of dom who would say “Oh absolutely, you don’t have the right to dump me no matter how unhappy you are” is bad fucking news. I’m not saying that’s not a fun fantasy or that nobody is allowed [...]