Better Spouses | The gift of hope | Femdom Training

TOWARD A FANTASTIC MARRIAGE: How and why Domestic Discipline works.

An essay by Vivian (part 6).

The gift of hope

Many of the concerns I have heard from women for the past two years as I have been promoting Domestic Discipine is that its techniques may be demeaning to him, hurt his self-esteem, cause him to be resentful of me, encourage immaturity in him, etc…. On the face of it, it seems a difficult argument to make that punishing, humiliating, and controlling a man’s genital functioning will result in greater self-esteem and psychological health, but it is true.

A good place to begin is with an understanding of consensual Dominnant/submissive sexual relationships (AKA D/s). As I’ve said, Domestic Discipipline is not S&M, but it is informed by the S&M and D/s communities. In true D/s relationships it is understood that while one partner takes a superior/dominant role and the other an inferior/submissive role, neither party is truly inferior. In fact, it has been observed frequently that those who are prone to taking submissive roles are actually of extremely high intelligence and, in daily life, are commonly in positions of power and responsibiltiy in the business and professinal world. Accpeting a submissive role is good therapy for one who must accept a lot of responsibility in other areas of life.

This is the model of understanding we use in Domestic Discipline. The model many women erroneously think of when considering Domestic Discipline is one of domestic abuse that we most often see men perpetrating against women. Those relationships are characterized by a man who has superior physical strength, and often superior financial strength, and is using that strength to dominate a women in ways she does not want. The submissive partner in this scenario is forced into her role rather than agreeing to and accepting it. The submissive partner in a domestic abuse scenario does not have an ability to escape that role without leaving the relationship. Domestic Discipline is quite different. By giving the physicaly (and often financially) weaker partner the dominant role we assure that the relationship is not abusive, but loving. This kind of agreement is sometimes referred to in the S&M world as “consensual non-consent.” This is discussed in more detail in The Specifics, but every marriage that uses Domestic Discipline should have a “safe phrase.” This is a word or phrase the husband can use to end a disciplinary measure when the wife has taken him too far beyond his boundaries. Such a devise is not available to people is abusive relationships.

While we as dominant wives understand that we are superior in many ways (as I mention on the home page of this site), our husbands have many gifts and are superior in other ways. Men are generally better at competing than women are. They seem to have a proclivity for overt competition. That is why they are often better at making money. This is not to say that women are not making great strides in this area and that some women are not better at competing and making money than some men are. It is simply to point out that men are goal oriented and wired to compete.

This male orientation toward goal achievement and competition is generally a good thing but it can cause problems in a marriage. When directed outward toward the world with the objective of securing resources for the family, the man’s need to compete, achieve goals and win is adaptive and helpful for the family. But what often happens is that the man does not see himself winning in his competition in the world and turns that competitive drive toward his wife. This is a terrible thing for a marriage. The wife who simply wants to be appreciated by her husband, not to compete with him, finds herself competing with him because he has initiated that dynamic and it seems the only for her to make him understand that he should appreciate her. This can be the death knell of a marriage. Domestic Discipline squashes this dynamic immediately. There is no competition in the marriage because it is understood who rules. Just as when your husband first fell hopelessly in love with you, he understands that he has been vanquished. This understanding is reinforced with every disciplinary session and every time he has a sexual thought and is reminded that you control his sexuality.

Hope

This drive to compete and succeed is adaptive in many ways, but it can also lead a man to despair. Especially around mid-life when most men find that they have not achieved and may not be able to achieve the lofty, sometimes unspoken, goals they have set for themselves. The world seems a much tougher place to succeed in at 35 or 40 than it did at 18 or 25. The hope a man had of “making his mark” in the world turns into despair as he ages and sees his chances of achieving his grandiose dreams fading. This is often the psychological dynamic at mid-life. Throughout most of his adult life he has been motivated by dreams formed at adolescense of being a rock star, a famous leader, an entrepreneurial phenomenon, top gun, universally adored hero, etc…. At mid-life he sees the reality that he’ll be lucky, if he works real hard and is very careful, to avoid being a dismal failure.

How does something as simple as Domestic Discipline help such a deep deated despair? In two ways.

The first way is giving him something attainable to hope for — an orgasm. As I mention in My Story, men masturbate more often then we imagine they do. They have an erection and the first chance they get, whether they are alone or with us, they relieve their sexual tension with ejaculation. Most men do not have the self-discipline to refrain from doing so. And most are unaware of the psychological and physical benifits of such restraint. Most modern popular sex therapists propagate the notion that relief of sexual tension is always a healthy thing. I agree that for the man who is not in a committed relationship, especially one who is young and flooded with testosterone and prone to sexual aggression, it is much better to masturbate than to act out sexual aggression in other ways. For the married man past his twenties, however, ejaculatory restraint works wonders to help him acquire extra energy and HOPE.

When a man is denied an orgasm for a period of time the desire to have an orgasm becomes stronger. The longer gratification of sexual release is deferred the more central it becomes as a goal to be accomplished. And unlike many of the goals middle-aged men set for themselves, this one is achieveable. He comes home from work thinking, “maybe tonight?” He comforts himself when things are not going well with the thought that soon he may have an orgasm. The events of almost every day in the life of a middle-aged man offer proof that the ambitions he had for himself in youth will probably not come to fruition. That is why despair is so common in these men. Despair is the most destructive feeling a person can feel. It is worse than physical pain or humiliation. In any recipe for happiness, hope is the only universally necessary ingredient.

You may wonder why a man cannot simply deny himself an orgasm on his own. Why does he need your invovlement and direction in the matter? While there are men who possess the self discipline for this (eastern celibates and accomplished Tantric practitioners), most men need help. For most men there is simply no point in this kind of restraint if it is self-directed. There is no fun in it either. While it is intensely erotic for a man to be intentionally denied an orgasm by a woman, self-directed denial feels pointless and the furthest thing from erotic.

That is why it is extremely important that the denial of orgasm be intentional. Some of the women I know who have come to realize the wonderful effects of sexual frustration on their men still fail to take overt control over it. They have a hard time saying no in general and in particular have a difficult time denying their husbands anything. So they make up excuses for why an orgasm is not possible at a given time such as, “I’m too tired” or “There’s not enough time.” This is a mistake. If a man feels that the reason he is being deinied ejaculation is one of circumstance, he will simply masturbate and may resent his wife for being disinterested or neglecful. If, on the other hand, he has been brought to excitement and denied release intentionally and feels it is important to his wife that he not ejaculate, the experience is powerfully erotic for him and supports his committment to self-restraint. When you deny him an orgasm it is best to look direclty in his eyes and tell him “no.” Doing this provides him the psychological orgasm I have previously mentioned and intensifies his devotion to you. Even if the real reason is that you are too tired or some other circumstance, tell him he may not have an orgasm for some other reason such as “I don’t think you’ve earned one yet” or “the time has not yet come” or even the arbritrary “I don’t feel like letting you have one yet.” This lets him know that you are in control of this, not mere circumstance.

Being so direct about denial is difficult for many women. Especially for those wives who enjoy pleasing their husbands and especiially after he has already gone a while without ejaculation and has been so wonderfully sweet to you that you want to show him your appreciation. You must remember that denial actually does make him happier. You may also want to simply indulge yourself in the feeling of power this gives you. When you take pleasure in this power it is better for you and him. It is your power in the situation that makes it most erotic for him. Building up his passion until he is begging for release and firmly denying him can be a lot of fun for both of you.

Doing this also reinforces his feeling that ejaculation is an important goal. It is only by making this goal difficult to achieve that gives it the power to comfort him. If he can achieve sexual release any time he wants there is little anticipation of it. The built up anticipation leads to a hope that can overshadow many disappointments and prevent a generalized despair.

One word of caution. There are women who enjoy his atttiude so much when he is chastened that they make him wait so long that he begins to think he will never have his orgasm. These are the women who keep long-term chastity devices and methods inplace for months or years. While it seems there are men who derive some benefit from this, most will not. This will eventually have a negative effect as ejaculation becomes another unattainable goal. I recommend parameters of no shorter than a week and no longer than a month or maybe two months for extreme discipline.

Along with gift of hope is another psychological benefit for you husband in all this. One that also benefits you because of its effect on his behavior. This benefit has to do with his adaptation to the sexual frustration you cause him. It is known is psychology that an important determinate of depression is one’s level of frustration tolerance. People with a low tolerance of frustration are more prone to depression. A higher tolerance for frustration is a psychological strength that helps prevent depression. The more sexual frustration you make him tolerate, the more he learns to cope with frustration and the calmer and psychologically stronger he becomes. This makes him a happier person and a more enjoyable person for you to share your life with.

The second way Domestic Discipine engenders hope has to do with its punishment aspect. Most men beleive they are not fulfulling their potential and they are mostly right about this. If they acted as their best selves want to act, they would not only be better husbands but more successful in other areas as well. So, you can do your husband a great favor by offering discipline not only in matters important to you, but in order to support his own goals as well. Most men need external motivation to achieve their goals. So, ask him about his goals for self-improvement and, if they are acceptable to you, include them among behaviors that provoke discipline or earn reward. By using Domestic Discipline in this manner you are giving him a gift he cannot give to himself. He will be grateful to you and feel more hope in himself.

You should remember to apply discipline with the same fervor for his failure to live up to his own standards as you do when he fails to live up to yours. Aside from giving him hope, this also makes you a more constant presence in his mind and increases his devotion to you.

All of this may sound silly to many women. To a certain extent it is. What is wrong with a little silliness, though, especially when its rewards are so great.