Female Dominance and “Cuckolding”

In truth I was always pretty “dominant” with guys. I think I was just that way from the very start. I guess I liked the feeling of “directing” guys.  I did not really think about it all that much back then – high school, college, etc. It was just “me”. I was never really into “whips and chains” and even the term “bondage” or “slave” seemed not me and at times a bit silly. I had zero objection to that stuff it was just not quite a fit for me.  Now I am married and my interest in the whole idea of power in relationships has, for whatever reasons, become pretty intense. Frankly it all fascinates me but I think more in what they call the “life style” sense versus what I guess some couples do – “play”?  It is not that I don’t play with my husband. God knows I do but I think I am also interested in the ongoing feel of it all as well as some of the “practical” aspects of being dominant and having a submissive husband for whom that fits really well. 

I consider myself an absolute “newbie”. Maybe I am less that than I think. I believe without the Internet I would know nothing. Even  one or two years ago I don’t feel like I knew half of the terms and ideas that I am now slowly becoming more familiar with. I also think that I did not “get” it. I guess I did not get the depth of how female dominance can be – both for the woman and the guy. Over the last year alone I have learned a ton about my husband as well as myself. I feel that our relationship is incredibly “deep” and emotional and uniquely connected. It is still developing and I find it quite exciting and it feels more alive than much of what I hear from women in “traditional” (sorry I don’t know the right word here) marriages. 

If I am honest I do have a little trepidation about writing this piece. That is so partly because it is still new to me and also because I know full well I don’t understand it all. I don’t say that what I write is true for all or that I have any special knowledge whatsoever. I  can only share my experience. 

Initially I think I felt it was “fun” to be a little “bossy” with guys. I found it not hard to direct them and I sort of liked that they liked it and did not at the same time. My husband was no different. In fact I have learned increasingly what a submissive is through him. I know full well that all men are not this. My husband sure seems to be. So early on I just found our dynamic fun. As time progressed (okay this sounds wicked) I did find it advantageous. I learned to “link” his “good behavior” with a potential “reward”. I also learned to limit his rewards pretty significantly. If that sounds horrible or manipulative I understand. But honestly I started to notice that my husband could be made to get excited to do our laundry, grocery shop,

clean the house, get my car washed, pick up my dry cleaning etc. It has become “explicit” that a great day of following my directions (orders) may well bring a very rewarding experience with my right hand. 

This “reward system” has become very up front. Is there a “puppy dog” aspect to it. Yes, absolutely. I sort of think there might be some of this even in “vanilla” marriages. The husband “does good” pleases the wife and gets rewarded. I think what I have done is sort of made that dynamic intensely explicit. There is both a “game” and a “real life” aspect to this. The chore list I give my husband is very real. Often it is darn long. Some Saturday mornings I whisper to him – “I really want you to work extra, extra, hard for me today”. It has become a “thing” on the weekend – Saturday’s especially. I go out and literally take a total leisure day – brunch, yoga, visits with friends – even dates. “Dates” was the original subject of this essay before I got off on a tangent. Yes, I “date”. 

I expect this might be the hardest thing to explain. Honestly it is was and at times still is more than surprising to me. I learned the term “cuckolding” only recently in time. I don’t want to give the impression that I am a “party girl” or heading out to clubs with every Tom, Dick and Harry – very far from it. I do, however, at this point have a “boyfriend”. I also can at times be a bit openly flirty with guys – yes, even with my husband quite present. Most of my life I am “home”. Most of my life I am “just” a married woman. Most of my life, to others, I am sure I appear to be in a marriage not unlike others (though who knows what people really do!). The truth is though my husband and I are not “equal” – at least not in the marriage. He is my husband – there is no mistake about that. I am sure though that our marriage is a bit different than most though I do wonder how many other forms of what we do occurs with others. I really have zero idea.

The reality is I have freedom in my marriage. My husband does not. I do what I want. He does not – or maybe he does, but, what he wants to do is what I want him to do – if that makes any sense?  I will add that if anyone told me earlier in life that anything like this was even vaguely possible I am sure I would have rejected the notion a thousand percent. I know that there are or have been cultures with “Queens” where the woman is worshipped and the male is not equal. I am not well read on that but I know it exists. I also know that many men (or am coming to know) inside themselves “feel better” or more natural or more right or more something – being under the lead or direction of a female. My husband and I had some interesting conversations. I have even used an “interrogation technique” involving oil and also my hand to ask questions and explore things while he is aroused (quite amazing how honest he can become!).  

If I am out on a date night he confesses that he is filled to the brim with emotion. He says he thinks about me constantly the entire night. I also can feel his focus and attention when I come back. It is sort of like he cannot do enough for me. He describes being jealous, worried, embarrassed/humiliated but also very excited. He says he gets very focused on me being happy. .  If it is a night where I have an “encounter” with my boyfriend I may share a little piece of the events with my husband. What I never, ever, would have known or even considered as a younger woman is how exciting this is for him – he can almost “beg” me for just the words about it. I can see how the “excitement” of it seems to over ride the humiliation

of it for him. Weird? I guess so!

In any event I feel like I could write on and on about this. I felt a bit “on the edge” when I first experimented with it – sort of that what in Gods’ name are you doing! Are you out of your mind! It is hard to explain how this emerged – sort of from my natural dominance, his natural submissiveness and my natural flirtiness. It is not “all the time”. But I do feel I have found a nice place for it in our lives. Maybe the oddest thing is that this really works. Not “just” my dating which feels like side event fun but really the life style aspect of it. I really thought and still do think that the term “slave” is not really right in our case.  However, we are not equal. My husband does work for me. I do “give orders”. I do make near all decisions of consequence and I do decide on how we live. What is odd is that I myself would HATE being in his shoes and would not accept it for a New York second! However it feels right and “good” to him. It is something that makes us feel incredibly close -even if I cannot tell the neighbors!  Thankfully I do have a great Internet friend and also one or two girlfriends who I can share aspects of it with. I have to say it feels quite good to both of us and has become more “normal”. 

I would love to hear thoughts.

-Mary