You have some desires that keep persisting. You’ve tried to escape them, push them down, ignore them, forget that they’re there. Why is that? You’ve often asked yourself this. You’re afraid that others won’t accept you as you are. For that reason and many others, it just makes sense to keep your fantasies to yourself. That’s just not enough anymore though. You’re craving something more and most of all, you want to express your desires and be seen.

The first time you message her, you feel your pulse quicken. You’re so nervous. You’ve talked yourself out of contacting her so many times but for some reason right now you feel emboldened. You’ve pressed send and it’s out of your hands now. You’ve taken the first step to giving up control and you don’t know how you feel about it. Some part of it feels like a relief and another part of you is panicking.

Faster than you expected you have a reply. You don’t want to fuck this up, it took you so long to write your first message. For some reason her reply puts you at ease and makes the whole situation feel more normal. By association, you feel more normal. This was easier than you expected. All you have to do now is follow instructions and wait. The waiting is always the hardest part.

You’ve been on the edge of your seat but you’ve crossed all your I’s and dotted your T’s. You’re so anxious that it’s all you can think about. You think about bailing but you’ve come this far, so you couldn’t possibly. You’re drawn through the day as if you’re in a hazy daydream until you find yourself face to face with her. Suddenly, crashing back to reality in a bundle of nerves.

You find yourself lured in by the casual conversation, slowly leading you down a darker pathway. You find yourself at ease, comfortable and feeling unconcerned with how your interests may make you appear. You find yourself drawn in and compelled to confess. How did that happen? Hm.. You simply fall under her spell deeper. Settling into this world of nonjudgement.

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First Time Anxiety