A swinger group I am part of recently posted the following question:

Being able to say “no” in the lifestyle is important. What tips can you give to someone who finds it hard to say?

I have written several times about consent on my page. You can read the summary of a rather pesky man who didn’t accept the word no here and here, (he really didn’t listen well). People who meet me in my classrooms or even just in casual dinner conversation would think that I was a strong-minded woman who doesn’t take shit from people. And, in some circumstances, they would be right. Truth is that I haven’t always been good at advocating for myself. In responding to this question, I am focussing on ways to get your point across. If you want some perspective on people who don’t accept or ask for consent, check out the links highlighted above.

The journey to being more assertive is long. Sometimes, I am more successful than others. In this lifestyle, there is this general idea that “no means no”. This is can be seen when people are removed from venues for blatantly ignoring a refusal or not asking for consent before helping themselves. However, it isn’t as black and white as this. Often the refusal is not clear. Often, instead of a clear, verbal, “no” people (women) will temporise and say “Not right now” or something like that. This could be interpreted as “I can ask again later.” When later is going to be is open to question. It can result in something that looks like nagging;

“Is it later yet?” 

“Can we do this now?”

“How about now?” 

You get the picture. When refusing, anything that isn’t “no thank you” gives wiggle room and invites the question; “Are you really saying no?” This invites debate about the “no” which is never going to end well. 

A clear “no” leaves little room for mis-interpretation. Don’t get into the whys and wherefores of the situation. This just gives that wiggle room to your “proposer”. Once you give a reason, they then can debate the validity of the reason and then you are on the slippery slope to changing your mind. The Ex-Policeman is full of amazing nuggets of wisdom. One of which is “No is a complete sentence.”

When you take on this idea, you realise there is no need for explanations. Remind yourself of your value. Don’t get caught up worrying if you are good enough for them. Instead, think about whether they are good enough for you. Will they give you what you are looking for? If not, then your “no” is valid. 

I have heard many horror stories about women who have been verbally attacked when they have said no to a man. Similarly, couples refusing another couple have the same experiences. Personally, this has never happened to me. I have often pondered the reasons for this. I refuse people. If I didn’t, I would never get out of bed. I have always tried to be direct, honest and polite. I feel that this is the reason for my “success” in this area. While I may not always say no when I should, I have found that being direct, honest and polite is the most successful strategy. Minimising the word count to give a simple statement avoids confusion. Being polite helps avoid confrontation. It is harder to attack someone when they are not being aggressive and rude.

It is also OK to stop talking to someone who isn’t listening. In person, this could look like making a statement like:

“I can see that we are not going to agree. I am walking away now. Please don’t follow me.” In a public venue, this should be enough. Keep reminding yourself of your value. You have the right to say no without being treated badly. 

Online, once you have said “no thanks” it is fine to end the conversation by not responding. You have made your point. You don’t have to reply. Know your value and keep focussed on what works for you. 

The Lifestyle is one of the few places where “woke ideas” have no place. Who you interact with is totally based on personal choice. Don’t like short people? You don’t have to fuck them. Don’t like people with excessive body hair? You don’t have to fuck them. It is YOUR body. YOU are in charge of who gets access to it. As long as you are polite and respectful, it is perfectly OK to say “Not for me, thanks.” You have value and you have the right to be treated appropriately.