I asked this question of a single male friend recently. Or rather, I asked him if he considered himself a swinger. Swinging or “wife swapping” is, by definition, a lifestyle enjoyed by married couples. But in my experience, there are a lot of single people hanging around the lifestyle. Whether it is at clubs and events or on specific swinger dating apps. So I am kind of curious. Do these people consider themselves swingers? Which is the reason I asked the question. His response?

“Well, I am single, so by definition, I can’t be.” 

He has a point. If you don’t have a wife, you can’t swap with another man. A quick Google search reveals a few articles that support his comments. Wikipedia defines swinging as; “A sexual activity in which both singles and, partners in a committed relationship, sexually engage with others for recreational purposes.” 

For me, at least, the key phrase here is “recreational purposes”. From my perspective, recreational sex is any kind of activity that involves sexual pleasure and includes people with no romantic attachment. The attraction of this kind of fun is the freedom. There are no obligations. If you want it, you say yes. If you don’t, you say no. There is no offence taken or given for asking or refusing. 

Apart from the no strings attached kind of sex, the other key feature of sex for me is multiple partners. The dominant feature of swinging is two couples enjoying sex together. This can take a myriad of different forms. Watching each other, fucking each other’s partners, females together, males together or the ‘puppy pile’, a bunch of bodies enjoying whatever bit is around. Modern swinging, in my part of the world at least, also regularly features threesomes. Most frequently, a couple seeking and enjoying another woman. I have opinions about this but I think I will reserve them for another time. I am seeing an increasing number of couples who also enjoy experiences with another man. 

So back to the original question. What is a swinger? It is fairly clear that couples who engage in sexual activities with people outside of their romantic relationship(s) are swingers. But what about singles? If couples have sexual encounters with a third person, either male or female, then by definition there has to be single people in the swinging scene, right? Of course, the answer is yes. Everywhere in my swinging world, at least there are single people. There are definitely more sausages than buns. This seems to be the case in all forms of dating. Although I feel that an increasing number of women are finding the scene a great way to socialise and satisfy their sexual desires safely. Men, in my experience at least, will take any opportunity to get their dick wet. The swinging lifestyle is a place where dick wetting happens. Bonus, there is a much smaller chance of the woman expecting a relationship.

My friend, to whom I posed the question, is a single male who associates with swingers. When we met, he told me he really enjoys hanging out with couples. He is straight, so the desire to be with couples isn’t because he likes to enjoy a little from column A and a little from column B. He just seems to enjoy the dynamic of group sex. As I said before, most men have the desire to get their dick wet at the forefront of their minds. The nuances of how that happens are mostly irrelevant. But to me at least, two things define a single who is a swinger. First is the desire to be in a group setting. This doesn’t mean that they are only seeing group encounters. But that it is a big part of their repertoire. For swingers, single or partnered, play time often means being part of a bigger picture. Play time is not just about being the star of the show, it is about connecting with multiple other humans on a very adult level. Being part of this dynamic shows appreciation for other relationships, which leads in to the second part of being a swinger. 

Swingers acknowledge and respect other relationships. Throughout my swinging journey, I have enjoyed very much the privilege of observing relationships in a very intimate setting. It is extremely hot watching a couple doing their thing and living in the moment together. It is equally hot knowing that other people are getting pleasure out of observing myself and Mr Jones. Many of the single men that I interact with express a level of satisfaction from helping a husband to pleasure his wife. Like my friend, they want the group setting. This is what defines a single swinger. They acknowledge that their playmates have relationships and that being allowed to interact with partners in that very intimate setting is a privilege. Furthermore, they are committed to future group experiences.

I have met many men in my journey of exploration who are quite happy to enjoy another man’s wife. But, when challenged, will admit that they would not be happy to share their own partner in the same way. To me, this reluctance indicates that they are, in fact, not swingers and really have no place on lifestyle dating websites or at lifestyle events. They are using the people they find in these places to scratch an itch and have very little respect for their playmates, the partners of their playmates and the lifestyle. This is the second criteria. In a nutshell, “I will enjoy your wife now and in the future I will share mine with you.” Of course the wife has a say, but you get the picture. I have not interacted with very many single women in this way, so I do not know if there are women who think the same way.

I feel that there has been a shift in the time I have been involved in the lifestyle and the presence of single people seems to be much bigger than when I started out. I am curious to find if this is the case in other countries. Maybe one day I will engage in some lifestyle travel and find out. Until then I welcome my swinging friend and others like him to our crazy lifestyle.