I was having a conversation with someone the other day about kink (shocking), and the topic of breeding fantasies came up. I somewhat shamefully admitted, that I have a total breeding kink, although I literally NEVER actually play it out with anyone in person.
Never have. Never will. This is NOT an invitation!
In fact, a lot of my fantasies involving this are fucking dark, and I am usually the submissive one being taken. (I do have a sort of reverse femdom fantasy involving this that is never mean or degrading.)
In reality, I am hardly ever submissive in sex, and I would never ever ever never ever ever never do the stuff that my mind concocts while it’s just me and my Hitachi having a little quality time.
I suppose I feel ashamed and embarrassed and weirded out by this kink of mine and the generally very degrading thoughts that swirl around it because I do not want to get pregnant, did not find pregnancy erotic, and do not want anyone I’m sleeping with to think I am secretly trying to get pregnant.
Not only do I feel that anyone who tries will “DO IT” wrong, but also these fantasies are hardcore humiliating. They are not safe. There would be no way for me to enjoy them in reality.
It is the humiliation and degradation I find so hot.
I am extremely comfortable humiliating and degrading people online. I have tried in person, and it was much harder. I sort of want to laugh, but also just can’t get that persona going. I feel silly. But it’s not fakery that I actually enjoy humiliating people rather anonymously. I guess it is that they aren’t quite “real” to me. We exist in a little bubble of fantasy. One guy asked for small penis humiliation and flattered me by saying I was the first person who made him cry. (He was probably a liar, but whatever. I still liked it.)
Why are we ashamed of the dark parts of our brain? I am. I can admit it. Even things that I am comfortable with in someone else. I’m not comfortable with those things in myself.
I’ve talked about findom on here before. And if you had asked me how I felt about findom before being a PSO, I would have said it’s almost always wrong unless you are just helping someone control their spending.
But I can admit now that I do really get turned on by findom. Maybe that’s because so many people SAY they want to “worship” me, but that is all total fantasy. Money is reality. You turning over your hard earned cash because I’ve triggered that little slot machine part of your brain is super fucking hot. It just is.
I don’t want to bankrupt anyone. I don’t want to hurt anyone (non-consensually). But yeah….I do get excited when that little game starts, and I know I’m manipulating you and you know I’m manipulating you, and you love it, and I love it. It’s such a push and pull. More push than pull.
But it’s dark! It’s really kind of dark. I feel nervous just admitting it because it’s not sanitized, and I COULD be hurting people. I don’t vet everyone’s bank account. But in the moment I do love to just push and push and push right up to the edge of boundaries. Partially, it is for the money. But partially maybe I am just a psychopath in pink clothing who gets off on deeply manipulating men.
I dunno. Guess that’s why I’m good at my job.
From the Dark Part of the Brain
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