I am a 32 year old Russian woman living in Ireland. I have been in a wonderful female led relationship with an Irishman for the last eight years. It is not a BSDM relationship. My dominance over him is our lifestyle choice, not simply a bedroom game. I am not interested in inflicting pain on someone I love.
For me, pain and sex do not mix.
First of all let me make one thing clear. My husband is strong, tough, assertive, highly educated and successful. He is the first to stand up if there is danger. He is a man that other men defer to and admire. He is in no way a weak man. I could not be with a weakling. I need a strong shoulder sometimes like everyone else.
Secondly I am also assertive and confident but not aggressive or abusive. Most people would probably describe me as quiet but self-assured. Aggression and dominance are two different things and people often confuse them. Aggressive women are often those who lack self-confidence and try to compensate for that by being obnoxious. A truly dominant woman has no need of aggression.
My husband and I met, dated and fell in love in the usual way. My dominance over him was introduced about a year after we first moved in together. I had been in relationships before but they had left me feeling unfulfilled. I craved submission from my man. I wanted to be obeyed and worshipped.
One day I asked him for a foot rub. I suppose this happens in many “normal” relationships. He complied and began to massage my feet. At one point he made some cheeky remark and I jokingly replied – “be careful or I will make you lick my feet”- I was testing the boundaries here and his response was music to my ears. He became very serious and said, – “I would love to lick your feet.”
Ten minutes later he was kneeling in front of me and calling me Mistress.
Over the next few days we talked openly about what we both wanted. I explained to him that I had a deep need to be obeyed and to be in control. He told me that he had always craved dominance by a woman and had played the dominant male role only because he believed it was what women expected of him. It was like a massive weight had been lifted off our shoulders.
The first thing we introduced was what I call my Venus Medallion. It is a large bronze medallion with a Greek style etching of a naked woman. Whenever I wear this medallion then I am Mistress Lana. He must kneel if I walk into a room and remain kneeling until I give him instructions. He must obey my commands without question and he must never speak without permission.
When I am not wearing the medallion our relationship is more equal. He is not required to kneel or call me Mistress. He can answer back and he has the right to disagree with me. We often have long intellectual debates about various issues and I respect his intelligence. However he is still expected to be obedient.
I wrote some rules and boundaries for my dominance which are as follows.
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Normal day to day:
01. You will treat me with respect at all times but you will also be treated with respect.
02. You will listen to my opinions as I will respect yours but you will always defer to my decisions.
02. You will kneel if I enter the room and await instructions.
03. You will speak only when spoken to.
04. If you wish to say something you will first ask permission to speak
05. You will do exactly what you are told without hesitation or question.
06. You will accept any punishment you are subjected to.
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When in public or in company:
01. You will never be humiliated or obviously dominated but you are still expected to defer to my wishes and show me respect at all times.
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Training
I decided that basic training would last four weeks and I wore the medallion around the clock for training purposes. Training mostly involved ordering him about, making him worship at my feet and some mild humiliation. I suppose it was a bit like military training in some respects; making him do endless pointless tasks just to reinforce his obedience. I would make him go and fetch an object from the garden shed and then tell him to bring back again.
I would make him do this maybe twenty times in a row until he was just obeying me automatically. During training he was not allowed to speak, eat or go to the toilet without my permission. He was not allowed any sexual gratification. By the end of the four weeks, he had become completely submissive and would obey me without hesitation or question.
I was looking forward to the end of training myself because I missed talking and cuddling with my man. I don’t want to be wearing the medallion all the time. At the end of the four weeks I made him kneel and swear an oath of obedience to me.
Punishment
Sometimes it is necessary to impose punishment upon my husband. There are two reasons for this. Firstly the punishment is used to discourage behavior that displeases me. Secondly punishment reinforces my dominance and reminds my husband who is in control. Punishments are not a sex game and he does not enjoy them. They would be pointless if he did.
Punishments are usually mild. I will make him kneel for an hour in the corner, or carry out some repetitive pointless task. Of course I will deny him any sexual pleasure but then that’s something that most “normal” women do anyway. The only time I ever inflict pain on him is when he has committed a serious act of disobedience. Then he will be ordered to strip naked and get on all floors on the floor. He will be lashed on his bottom with my riding crop until I am satisfied that he has learnt his lesson.
Again this is not a sex game. This is painful for him and he does not enjoy it in any way. He does everything he can to avoid being subjected to this. I have only whipped him four times in the eight years we have been together, but it’s something he knows I will do again if I feel the need. He once told me that he hated being whipped but he loved the fact that I had the power to do it if I wanted.
I believe a dominant woman must be very careful about punishing her man. He should always understand why he is being punished. He wants to serve his Mistress but he doesn’t want to live with a sadist. You should punish your man only when he deserves it and never just because you had a bad day.
Sex
As I have already said, my domination of my husband is not primarily about sex. However sex is the glue that holds a relationship together and his complete obedience to me also extends to the bedroom. I have heard people say that a dominant woman should not allow her man to cum or should force him to masturbate. I think this is nonsense. I think that women who espouse this are man-haters or they are just repressed and terrified of a penis.
I love my man. I love his body, and I like to pleasure his penis. I do use orgasm denial sometimes just to reinforce my authority, but usually I allow him to cum during sex. I was very sexually experienced before we met and he had little experience. This made it much easier to train him how to please me. I have trained him well and he will spend hours to give me pleasure in whatever way I require. So although I am in control, I do believe that sex is more about giving that taking and I like giving to my man. I also know his fetishes and I will incorporate them into our sex sometimes as a treat if I think he deserves it.
I have a high sex-drive and I occasionally have sex with other men provided they are also submissive. I allow my husband to watch at his request and he enjoys it. I never cheat on him behind his back. I would not do anything to hurt him and if he asked me not to have sex with other men, then I would consider it.
As for masturbation. I would never allow him to masturbate. He is completely forbidden from pleasing himself in any way. He must always depend on me for any sexual release. I was away for work recently and he called me to ask me permission to masturbate. I refused to give it. He will always remain frustrated until I decide to release him and he must be conditioned to understand that sexual gratification is a gift that only I can bestow.
My Advice
So as I said our relationship is built on love, respect and communication like any relationship should be. My dominance is only one aspect of it. I know that my husband loves me and loves to serve me. I think that’s how it should be. I also love and respect him and appreciate his need to serve. Women have always been dominant in relationships in many ways. It’s just that most women don’t realize it. Look at any couple in a restaurant and see how he defers to her and tries to please her. It’s quite normal for a man to try to do anything to please his woman. Men in “normal” relationships are constantly offering submission to their women. All the woman has to do is find the confidence to accept that offer. There is nothing better than being in a relationship with a man who will love, respect, serve and obey.
A lot of people would read this and think – “Oh no, all relationships should be equal”….. This is politically correct nonsense. If you think you believe that then you are being dishonest with yourself. I know a lot of couples and I know of none that have an equal relationship. There is always one dominant partner even if it is not usually acknowledged. It is perfectly natural and you should not try to deny a rule of nature just because you don’t like it.
I am not any kind of expert and I can only speak from what I have experienced and observed. My advice to men would be to take it slowly. Many women would be horrified to hear that their partners want to be dominated by them. Remember that women and men have been conditioned by society to accept that any form of relationship that is not “normal” according society, is therefore in some way perverted. You ask a woman to be dominant straight out and she immediately conjures up images of a leather-clad dominatrix torturing a man in a dungeon.
To a man I would say this:
Your partner is already dominant in many respects. Many woman are naturally dominant and just don’t know it. Write a list of the ways in which your woman is dominant and then try to expand upon it. Coax her out of her shell and encourage her dominant side. Defer to her in arguments even when you know she is wrong. Do chores for her. She is sitting at home and suggests a coffee; you get to the kitchen first and make it for her. Get up before her in the morning and make her breakfast. Always do anything she asks you to do without question. Try giving her a foot rub. Now try kissing her foot. See how she reacts. If she reacts well, then gradually make worshiping her feet a regular thing. In the bedroom, start asking her what she would like you to do to please her. Ask her permission before you climax.
Do not suggest any kind of bondage or discipline early on. If that is something you want you can ask for it later when she has become comfortable with her superior position. Gradually cede power to her in subtle ways. The more you submit, the more she will begin to dominate openly. Finally you will both be confidant enough to discuss the parameters of your relationship honestly. It sometimes takes time to break down taboos that are thousands of years old, but it’s worth it in the end. You will finally be living with the dominant woman of your dreams…
Head trainer at femdomtraining.ca My goal is to enlighten men and women on the benefits of a female led relationship, and to teach specific methods on how to become a more dominant woman, and a more submissive man. My hypnosis files are powerful and will accomplish this. Try them out. We offer a 100% satisfaction guarantee on all of them.
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