Sexless Marriage and Chastity

askagni:

A chastity-based marriage is not a sexless marriage. Chastity play is a form of sex. It can be mutual sex between the keyholder and the chaste one, or it can be more one-sided where most of the ‘sex’ part is in the writhing mind of the locked. But it’s still sex.

From time to time I get mail like this:

I convinced my wife to lock me in chastity but it’s nothing like I imagined. She just ignores me and my needs. It’s not sexy at all.

Or, here’s another:

Hubby begs me to lock him up then complains when I leave him in too long. He whines that I don’t care about him. He nags me all the time. I just want to stop hearing about it. It’s his thing and I’m fine with that but why does it have to be such a pain?

Or this one:

My wife and I have been in a sexless marriage for sixteen years. She lost interest in sex a year after we were married and she has shown zero initiative in trying to rekindle that desire. I thought chastity play would be a good fit for us since we’re not having sex anyway but sometimes being locked and left just feels really lonely and hopeless.

Of the millions of people who experiment with chastity, a good percentage of them find themselves in a predicament where the keyholder is far less interested in playing than the locked. As George Bailey would say, “this is a very interesting predicament.” It’s interesting because here you have a man getting exactly what he wants (which is nothing) and being totally unsatisfied with it, and a woman getting exactly what she wants (which is also nothing) and being driven mad by it. What is to be done?

Locked and Left

Being “locked and left” is a term that means a keyholder locks up a man in chastity then forgets about it (usually to his stated dismay). She might not forget about him altogether as he may be her significant other, but she may completely forget that he has him locked up. The conventional wisdom is that this is very bad, a mortal chastity sin.

The Conventional Wisdom

Any chastity blog out there will tell you that locking and leaving is not the way to do chastity. It’s wrong; it’s evil; it’s unhealthy and probably somehow unsanitary. A woman who undertakes the responsibility of being a keyholder should care for her underlings. She should communicate freely with them and make sure they are healthy and safe. She should keep the game fun and exciting by continuing to engage him sexually while he’s locked. She should tease him, that the big one, and flirt with him. Keep him guessing and wanting more. She should never, say, forget which potted plant she hid the keys in or mix up the combination to his keysafe. No, never.

I agree with all those points, especially the one about teasing, but…

The Conventional Wisdom is Wrong

You heard me. There’s no should in intimacy. You do what’s right for you. Locking up a man you just met at school social, then giving him a fake number so he can never track you down is hot. Wondering how many days it took him to get up the courage to go to a locksmith, if he ever did, is juicy shivers to the max. Knowing he will never get over me even though I’ve completely forgotten his name is the stuff that makes this dark little heart beat. That’s my brand of feminism. I daydream of those scenarios and I follow through on such dreams regularly. That’s my right, conventional wisdom be damned.

Okay, I was getting a little carried away there. So let me restate my point in PC terms. A frustrated male is a delicate male. Chastity can be quite frustrating and utterly ego busting. It’s common for a man in chastity to compensate for the hit to the ego that loss of his favorite toy produces by making demands of other kinds. This is especially true in traffic jam chastity. As a feminist I can’t abide that kind of privileged indulgence. Chastity play can easily center the relationship around the penis when that’s the one part that should be censured. When done right it should center the relationship around the woman and emphasize service to her. Sorry guy, but that probably means much less penis-focus than you’re used to. It might even mean being locked and left until she’s good and ready to deal with you.

A sexless marriage is sexless because one or both partners has no interest in sex. Usually it’s the woman and usually it means no interest whatsoever in:

Having sex

Talking about sex

Talking about fantasies or fetishes

Thinking about sex

Flirting

Anything at all to do with sex!

No means no. Guys, if she doesn’t want it then that’s the end of the discussion. End the relationship or lay down your pitchfork and fully accept that she won’t be a party in your sex life.

Lay Down the Law

Being the sexless partner doesn’t absolve a woman of all responsibility. She must make her position known. If a man gets himself locked up and his wife ends up forgetting about his situation down there I’m 100% okay with that. It’s just a manifestation of how she really feels about sex. Why should she have to suddenly pretend to be more interested than she is, just because he’s now indulging in one of his fetishes? She shouldn’t. But she ought to be honest with him up front that that’s what’s going to happen.

A sexless wife should lay down the law. She should own her disinterest. Instead of procrastinating or just trying not to think about his weird obsession, she should read this post then sit him down for a frank discussion in which she tells him exactly where she stands. If she truly is disinterested then here are some example of things she might say:

I don’t get sexually excited by your chastity fetish the way you do. You just need to accept that.

I’m willing to play along and be your keyholder but you need to play by my terms.

I’m not going to suddenly go into some sex-kitten flirty tease persona just so you can keep getting your rocks off while you’re not supposed to be getting your rocks off.

I might toss out a couple of remarks now and then but it’s likely that it will be very rare that I’ll even think of your predicament.

Please don’t try to remind me or nag me or pester me. It’s just going to make me cross. It won’t fulfill you. I’ll probably forget to punish you for it so don’t try to top from the bottom.

Just leave me alone sexually and enjoy your time in chastity. (Oh, I see the word enjoy got a rise out of you.)

When the month is over you can come ask me to let you out and I will. You can have all night to yourself to try to remember what your penis felt like in your hand.

In the morning, if you want to keep playing, I’ll lock you up again. Something tells me you will come asking to be locked up every time.

If you want to renegotiate any of this that morning will be your once chance.

Other than that we’ll just be platonic or romantic but not sexual.

Deal?

A frank discussion to set expectations will lead to far better outcomes than a passive-aggressive game of “guess what I’m wanting while I guess why you won’t give it to me.”

Sexful is Better

Of course, sexful marriages are better. They’re more fun and more fulfilling. Being actively involved in his slow mental undoing will bring a couple together like nothing else can.