A while back, I wrote a post entitled “What is a Swinger”. In the discussion that followed, a friend asked a question that I felt warranted a bit more discussion. She asked, “Do you consider couples who only engage with single women to not be swingers?” It has taken me a few weeks and a fair bit of pondering to get my thoughts about this lined up. Before I delve and start spouting my opinions, I want to emphasise that while I have a lot of experience in this lifestyle, I don’t know every person and I don’t speak for every person. What I write is my opinion. I have read and spoken to many people, but what I write on these pages is MY OPINION.
Ever since Mr Jones and I embarked on this journey, single women seemed to be part of the furniture. While clubs and parties excluded single men. Unicorns, or single women, are always encouraged. Long term “old guard” swingers have the opinion that all women have a fantasy of having sex with another woman. A lot of the Old Guard also don’t really like being too close to another naked man. They do like the idea of an extra pussy, though. With all this in mind, having another single woman around seems to be a great way to go.
It is a constant source of curiosity me to me that in our culture women kissing and being sexual with each other are encouraged and enjoyed openly but men jerking each other off and sucking cocks is very taboo. Why do men find it repulsive to be sexual with another man but think it is perfectly OK to encourage their wives to be sexual with other women? Even worse, a lot of them “strongly encourage” this behaviour for their own personal gratification. Most of them won’t admit it, but I believe that in a lot of these men’s minds, two women playing is the ultimate foreplay. The women play and everyone gets horny, but of course, true satisfaction can only come from a penis in a vagina, so when they are ready, both women will require servicing. And the man gets to feel like even more of a man. Maybe I am just being cynical.
So many profiles and introduction posts of couples starting out in the lifestyle say “Looking for a woman or couple. Single guys don’t apply.” In my experience, what the VAST majority of them actually mean is something like this. “My wife wants to enjoy some pussy and so do I.” With the subtext “I am not really keen to see her enjoy another cock, and I am NOT GAY so I don’t like the idea of being naked in the same room as another man. Sadly, finding a single girl who is into couples is hard, so I might tolerate it as long as I get some pussy.”
In person, this plays out a few different ways. Possibly the most offensive is that the couple focus on the pussy. The husband who brought the extra pussy left out of any play that happens. Couples who do this are the reason Mr Jones and I stopped going to clubs and lifestyle events for a while. In my opinion, this behaviour is NOT swinging. The couple in question doesn’t respect other relationships. If they did, they wouldn’t target another man’s wife and leave him sitting in the corner. From speaking to single women who engage with couples, I know that these husbands often try to engineer separate play dates featuring just the unicorn and the husband without the knowledge or consent of the wife. It begs the question; Is this really about achieving the girl fantasy for the wife or is it the husband auditioning for a side chick? It also highlights the idea that these people have no respect for other relationships. Hell, they don’t even respect their own!
Another way it plays out is the “soft swap” or “girls play / boys watch”. I love people watching me have sex and fucking in the same room as other people can be gratifying, but it isn’t my preferred option. I like cock and a lot of it. The kinds of experiences I am seeking are enjoying ALLL the people I am attracted to, men and women. In response to my friend’s question, I think this IS swinging. There is mutual respect and everyone involved is included. I know that for some people this is a way of easing in to more adventurous activities.
I did once have the experience of a man pull up an armchair so that he could sit and wank while I pleasured his wife. Driving home afterwards, I got on my high horse about it. I felt that it was offensive for him to treat us as his personal porn dolls. (He didn’t ask for permission to watch). As I write this, I am reflecting on the different nuances of swinging and I wonder if maybe I was being too opinionated. If it is what his wife and he enjoy, then all power to them. I am not a huge fan of this kind of play and so would probably avoid it.
I am all about fairness. I find the idea that one partner will enjoy a particular activity while telling their partner that they cannot enjoy a similar activity offensive. A man telling his wife that he doesn’t want to share her with another man but then expects his wife to share him with another woman is irritating to me, to say the least. It seems to be a double standard. It is right up there with the misogynistic view that adolescent boys have the right to ‘sew their wild oats’ while girls are to keep themselves pure for marriage. In this magical lifestyle that we find ourselves in, I think there is a tendency for men to think they are in charge. It is important to ensure that women have an equal voice to men. The discussion about who is in charge and who has the most control is a minefield of ideas and experiences. I am not going there.
I had a conversation with The Unicorn about these ideas. As a much younger person, she has had limited exposure to the Old Guard swingers. She circulates in the polyamorous world with slightly different ideas. Experience has led her to have similar opinions about men who won’t share their wives with other men but expect their wife to share him with another woman. What interested me, though, was her views on Swinging vs The Lifestyle. She, like my original male friend, feels that swinging is for couples. Other activities involving unpartnered people are not really swinging. Hence the term, “Lifestyle” is much broader than “Swinging”. I can see her point. I still don’t have a high opinion of men who don’t want to share their wives with other men.
So what is the answer to my friend’s question? “Do you consider men who won’t share their wives but want to shag other women to not be swingers?”
I have to say I don’t consider them swingers. They are by default part of ‘The Lifestyle’ but they are not humans I would like to spend a great deal of time interacting with.
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