And it continues:
http://thesuburbandomme.com/2015/03/09/why-did-she-gets-so-upset-part-2/
I can only guess at why the wife in this equation is so upset. No I don’t think this husband expected the reaction he got. I don’t think this because I think he is a selfish jerk, I think this because he was excited about the idea and really believes in his heart…this is a good thing for both of them.
He knows how it makes him feel and he wants her to feel the same things.
He wants her to enjoy what he enjoys. We all want our partners to enjoy what we enjoy, right down to the ordinary things like our hobbies. It is part of why we are in a relationship…….to have someone to share our joy with.
Depending on what he had been reading before he decided to make the purchase then spring the idea on her….he probably never gave a single thought to the fact what he was going to offer her…… would be rejected and not only be rejected……but throw her into such a mess of emotional turmoil.
It was a bad judgment call on his part…that certainly doesn’t make him a bad person.
I have no idea how things are going. I did email back, but I haven’t heard from him. I hope at some point he will let me know how they are doing.
So anyway…..back to the kink….
Chastity is a kink just like any kink…it’s not a “special kink”…….it’s not a magic bullet.
Kinks aren’t bad things. It is much better for all ……when we call the spade a spade….and not over romanticizes how special we are and how special our sex wants are.
Just an observation over the last few years playing in the kinky sand box:
If you have to use romance to sell it…then you have an issue with what you crave. If you feel the need to be quixotic as you explain it to the person you want to do it with..then you probably aren’t being honest with the very person you need to be the most honest with.
If the relationship is lacking something…if you feel you need this to make fix it…..you may be headed in the wrong direction.
Chasity (kink overall) isn’t going to make anything better.
It can enhance the couple’s sex life, even their everyday life, but it isn’t a fix for issues that really need personal introspection and possibly professional intervention.
It isn’t a fix for a sex life that has gone dormant. If the sex life is going sour there’s a reason for that and it needs to be addressed. That is going to take more than some kind of gadget and some kink in play.
Like any kink play…it should be negotiated before it is attempted.
For those of you wondering if I am ever going to say anything positive about this kink……
Well..thanks for sticking round until now.
It gonna knock your socks off
*giggles*
It took some time, months as a matter of fact…..before we could talk about the subject without him getting to pushy and defensive. He used a lot of very bad logic and in his glee fueled obliviousness…savagely ripped open an old really wicked scar in the process of trying to get this kink in play.
The back story is here:
http://thesuburbandomme.com/2013/04/05/synopsisicly-speaking/
And as you can see…….I never intended to get hung up on the chastity kink in the blogging process….but here I am…and I should know better than to never say never.
*laughing at myself*
Okay…so….back to the positive things about this kink.
We did spend some time right after he brought the idea to me…trying to get it to work.
These attempts to get it in play…quickly turned into all about him and how I wasn’t doing enough to keep him aroused.
The first couple of days into “trying again” he would do great on his own…but by that third day if I wasn’t “working with him to keep him aroused” he would get moody and start getting snappish. I can’t think of one time in the first few months the attempts ended well. I finally took the device and put it away and told him no more. I did tell him if at some point……if he wanted to discuss it and hear me out and try it my way, I was willing to give it another go.
Once we got past the “gifting debacle” and he stopped trying to convince me this was all about me……we stated talking about it…actually talking. That lead to him letting me take the lead with the kink and us negotiating the method in how it would applied to us.
I really was disappointed by the fact he didn’t just discuss this with me before he bought the device. I wanted to start out——-without a device. I did need him to prove to me he could offer me all the things he said he was willing to give me…without the need of being propelled forward by his own arousal and I needed to know he could do it without a device of some kind.
I needed him to admit……the device…wearing one…was more about him and what he wanted then it was about doing anything for me.
I needed A LOT….to get this kink in play. It had no appeal for me in the manner he saw it playing out.
He never did really let the topic go…even after I put it away, he would still bring it up but he wasn’t willing to have a real discussion about it.
He’s always been a guy who liked to avoid orgasm. That wasn’t a new things for us. Tease and denial had been part of our play list long before he even dropped the idea of FemDom on me…we played it….I just didn’t know “it” had a name.
Again
*laughing at myself*
He could go days without an orgasm…just edging (another term I learned in my FemDom education) but eventually he would start to get irritable and I knew then it was time to push him to orgasm. Sometimes he would buck up against me….but I had all kinds of tricks in my bag to push him to orgasm….even when he was at his most obstinate.
He feeds on, thrives on, the highs and lows that go with the chemical stew of being aroused.
Sex…..actual intercourse with him was an Olympic styled event…..a couple of hours’ type event.A constant stop and start kind of event as he avoided orgasm.
There was a point in our life I started avoiding him and sex…not because I was avoiding sex.
I was avoiding what had become a chore for me. The whole time I was explaining to him why I didn’t want to have sex with him…it took him a few months to get the message and get the clue if he wanted to have sex with me…he was going to have to stop using me as an edging tool. This whole time I was miserable.
I love my husband…..I love having sex with him. He’s damn good in bed……but the marathon session we’re killing me….and by the time he did orgasm…..I was worn out and sore…and I don’t just mean sex sore……I mean my whole body was sore…so any orgasms I had were worthless for the “relaxing properties”.
Chastity was just another form of this type of feeding the intrinsic chemical monkey on his back.
I knew what it was about as soon as he brought it up.
I knew it wasn’t about us or me…he’d found another way to get something that rocks his world and the idea of device made it that much more enticing for him. He just assumed what he read about the kink and device that goes with the kink……would thrill me too…after all……it was the answer to him getting all the chemicals sloshing around without using me as the edging tool. He assumed some many things that were so off base….I still marvel at how far off base he got…..even a couple of years after we got this kink sorted out and in play. He would get so caught up in how long he could go in the device…..it became all about him challenging himself. He drop kicked me totally out of the process when he started trying to see how long he could go.
I would want him to take it off and I would hear:
“But we have made it “x” amount of days…can we try for “x” more?
I guess when he said “we” he meant the mouse he had in his pocket …because I wasn’t part of the “we” in this process.
See how much of a mess this is?
And this is coming from a woman who was kink aware……who was playing the “Domme” already…who was willing to play along with the kinky games he had on his wish list. Even as I opened the gift……I knew this was going to become all about him.
Okay…really…….I am getting to the positive stuff:
Fast forward a few months……some talking here and there about it…I decided to give it another try……and we spent a weekend with him in the device. I told him to go put it on and bring me the key. He had a hell of a time getting it on…..I had him masturbate to orgasm so the damn thing would go on without so the struggle. I took the key….put it on a ribbon around my neck and wore it from that point on…even when he isn’t in the device I wear the key.
That weekend broke the ice and we started negotiating how I would be in charge of the chastity.
Over the last couple of years…we have developed a system that works for both of us….one that has me in absolute control of how and when the device will be in play. His work comes in after the orgasm….the guy really busts his tail to pay more attention to me after orgasm then before.
Three things are set in stone:
>He doesn’t wear the device all the time….I pick and choose when…I pick and choose how long.
>He can’t ask for “more time” when I say it is time for the device to come off.
>If he is bugging me for more attention to help him get more aroused………when in the device……it comes off and the play time is over and the device will be put away for good.
So far…about two years into this agreement…it is working quite well for both of us….we both get what we need and want out of it.
He is allowed to ask to be put in lock up….. if I say no…that’ the end of the discussion. But frankly…I have yet to say no when he did ask…because now days it is something fun for me…because I have the control he said he was giving me.
I also get a HUGE kick out of shopping for the devices. He’s been “gifted” with the devices for his birthday and for Valentine’s Day. We now own five devices…and I am pretty damn good at improvising with homemade devices.
I enjoy the private jokes between us when he is in the device and we are out in public. The comments I make directed toward him are innocuous if by standers over hear them…but he knows what I mean.
I am an “ornery type” dominant…..my sadism comes in the form of being an ornery practical joker.
One day in a mall when I stopped…and said
“OMG..I lost the key!!”
The key……..was safely tucked in my pocket……but I was laughing at him as he panicked and started retracing the steps we had…and it was FUNNY! I had been in a few stores and had tried on clothes….so he had to back track and ask if a key had been found in a dressing room.
Still *laugh out loud* so much over this…man it was funny!!
The spare key was safely tucked away at home in my jewelry box…so even if I had lost the key..he knew we weren’t “keyless” but he also knows how much the key I wear means to me…..and that’s why he was in such a panic to find it.
I finally had to tell him I had the key…because I was about to bust a gut trying to keep my laughter to myself…..and try to look as panicked as he was.
Sometimes when we go out of town..I’ll tuck a device in my purse….if I do this…I tuck the spare key in the glove box
A word of advice…if you lose a key…
GO BUY ANOTHER PADLOCK so you have TWO KEYS AGAIN!!
You can buy the locks at any hardware store….some even come with four keys now days.
Do not run the risk of ending up with no key and the device in place.
It’s just not worth it.
I keep spare padlocks…just in case! THAT’S how invested I am in this kink now days.
I have a blast with this now days.
I love the fact he never knows when I’ll be handing him a device….and he never knows how long it will last for. He never knows what I have in mind when I do lock him up. Sometimes it is just to remind him who’s Boss *evil grin* and other times it is because I want to give him that joy that comes with being locked up..for proving to me how he can be all the things he said he would be with the dang device…without the dang device.
And just cuz I can…….
A link for BDSM first aid:
http://thesuburbandomme.com/2013/03/13/first-aid/
And please feel free to add your own “BDSM first aid kit” items to the comments. I’ll edit the blog post to reflect the additions.
Source: The Suburban Domme
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